Just recently I was told that in a relationship all arguments, breakdowns and tensions are based on one thing, “Do I matter to you?” Counselling London can help provide you with a safe place to process your relationship.
The Western world seems to be based on the concept of one-upmanship, who owns what, has what, is the thinnest, sexiest, richest or most successful, most popular or most intelligent. All of which says “I am better then you are” or “You’re not as good as I am.”
When this attitude is brought into a relationship what can occur is an imbalance and an unhealthy cycle of power where each partner looks outward for more power in order to not feel powerless.
Relationships that are built on this pattern tend to be exciting, dramatic, short lived and painful to endure, but are often mistaken for love and can be addictive.
There are three ways in which human beings respond to feeling powerless:
- Fight- Becoming dominant and aggressive, argumentative and angry
- Flight- avoiding intimacy and commitment, staying or running away and avoiding issues
- Freeze- stuck in the position of being a victim
Although none of these three responses are mutually exclusive they all end with the same result, isolation and pushing others away, pushing love away.
Every single client that I have ever worked with from adults to children all responds the same to that feeling of powerlessness. They feel unsafe or vulnerable, and that feeling is what underpins the above response. It is a feeling which is frightening and primal to a greater or lesser degree for each person.
Vulnerability and power go hand in hand the same as fear and courage do.
We are born powerless and during our journey through life we progress from relying on the external power and control of our parents to developing our own internal power and control over ourselves, much like a helpless cub growing into a fierce lion, our immense strength and power should be conserved for necessity; food and protection.
Without our growth to inner power and acceptance of our vulnerability we are unable to open the door to true love and we stay locked into a battle for power with those around us.
Research has shown that healthy long term relationships between couples are based on tolerance, respect, equality and acceptance. None of these are the qualities of a power-play.
Love is not a power game. Instead of looking outward and saying “Do I matter to you? Perhaps we should look within and say “ Do I matter to me?”
Then as the old adage states, do unto others as you would do unto yourself.
